The Bad Joke Page

The following material was collected from emails and various internet sites.
All appears to be in the public domain. No copyright infringement is intended.
Last update, 13 July 1998.

Bill Gates' Quotes:

Perhaps the Most Truthful: on Microsoft marketing:
"There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go."

Not on his mind while developing Win9X..circa 1981...
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

On the solid code base of Win9X... thanks WPW!
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."

From "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" (forward by Bill Gates):
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs."

Bill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times Thanks GC!
"There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft."

From the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990:
"This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex. Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS".

From "OS/2 Notebook", Microsoft Press, (c) 1990--an excerpt from an interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614:
Developer: "Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans for future development of Windows?"
Gates: "Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2."

There's a reason they threw it away... from Programmers at Work by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill Gates (found on comp.os.os2.advocacy)
Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"
Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."

Only the finest Microsoft marketing! (submitted by BarryB):
"If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it."

On the Box of Windows 2.11 for 286 (submitted by GLDM)
"New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager, preparing you for the wonders of OS/2!"

On code stability, from Focus Magazine (submitted by Benedikt Heinen)
"Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft hotline, you'll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to be user mistakes.
...
I know not a single less irrelevant reason for an update than bugfixes. The reasons for updates are to present more new features."

Unconfirmed quotes:

Microsoft's GUI innovations... 1983 (thanks E.R.)
"Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work another company could come along and copy your work and market it under it's own name...without legal restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art."

Even more 1984 predictions (thanks Scott Renyen)
"The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh, not an IBM PC."

Gore, Clinton and Gates all die the same day and end up standing together before god. Sitting on his grand throne, god tells the three that he has to decide what to do with them. To help him make a decision, he asks each of them in turn to share their thoughts about the positive aspects of their lives.

Gore relates how he worked to cleanup the environment and to protect god's planet from those who would pillage it. God reflects and then tells Gore to come and sit at his right side.

Clinton goes on about how he strove to protect entitlement and maintain a strong economy. God thinks a little harder and finally tells Clinton to also sit at his right side.

Then god turns to Gates and asks, "And you Mr. Gates"?

"Well for starters, why are you sitting in MY chair?" Gates admonishes.

(Second most common Gates joke on the internet)

God calls a conference with Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to tell them that the world is in such disarray that He's going to destroy it in three days and there is no way to change that decision.

Bill Clinton goes back and makes the following announcement: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that He's going to destroy the world in three days and there's no way to change His decision."

Boris Yeltsin goes back and makes the following announcement: " I have bad news and bad news. The bad news is that there is a God. And the bad news is that He's going to destroy the world in three days and there's no way to change His decision."

Bill Gates goes back and makes the following announcement: "I have good news and good news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important people in the world. And the good news is that we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95."

(Most common Gates joke on the internet)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

God: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of naked women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the naked women playing in the water?"

"That was the demo," replied God.

An architect had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor man had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St. Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St. Peter. "Ah", St. Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is alright." Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderful. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."

St. Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..." Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St. Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates."

And now from a newsgroup, the truly bazaar:

Eerie news about Bill Gates & Microsoft. You've got to read this and try it out; and then tell me what you think!

Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I'd just let you know these facts... Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where "III" means the order of third (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name?

OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
I   1 (See Note 1)
I   1
I   1
---
666 !!!!

THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL........

Devil Gates

Coincidence, - Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Are you sure this is not a Coincidence? You decide....

MS-DOS 6.21 ** 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49=666
WINDOWS 95 ** 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53=666

Okay now for the good part!!!!!!

For those of you who still have the OLD Excel 95 (not office 97) try this out:

1. Open a new file.
2. Scroll down until you see row 95.
3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
4. Press tab, to move to the second column.
5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft Excel
6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously.
7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS.
This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls....
8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA.
This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!), when you get to the end, you will see something really, really eerie.... (See Note 2)

At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?...... Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including those at Pentagon!) If all his products have some kind of small program embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all over the world, etc...... All from his headquarters isn't a far of reality! Just using Internet. Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the end times are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!?

Quote from the Bible
"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."..............Revelation 13:16-18.

See...... It is something for you to think about....if the Bible, in the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc..... then....My question to you know is this...Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also bears the sign..... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the World Wide Web or WWW..... One other way we write W is V/ (VI) so:

W W W VI VI VI = 6 6 6

This gives me something to ponder upon ... Isn't everything going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business transactions) Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology? And now, The Internet?

Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on one's Hand and one's forehead.....If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)??? Are things finally falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run??? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ...so be VIGILANT about Bill Gates and Microsoft.

"To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is not the question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates the Beast? What will you do?? Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft? Set out a campaign against Bill Gates in the Internet? Shut down all Windows 95 forever? It will not do you any good ...think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else ....Never Stop Believing...

Editor's Notes:

Some unmentioned license was needed to make the ASCII codes for "Bill Gates III" add up to 666. The ASCII code for "I" is 73 decimal (49 hex) not 01. ASCII code 01 is SOH (start of heading). Also the space (32 decimal) was counted in "MS-DOS 6.21" but not in Gates' name or in "WINDOWS 95".
THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS is an "Easter Egg". An Easter Egg is a hidden feature or novelty that the programmers put in their software. This can be anything from a hidden list of the developers, to hidden commands, to jokes, to funny animations. They are found in many programs. This one happens to be more complex than most.
The above image of "Devil Gates" was added by yours truly for a yellow journalistic effect; it was not part of the original message. Hey! if all the tv networks can practice yellow journalism, so can I.

Editor, badjoke@ashleys.net 13 July 1998.

Top ten reasons that Bill Gates would run for president:

He wants to buy an old Cesna, paint it flashy colors, and call it Air Force '95.
He heard that some government agencies were using UNIX.
He wants to get that illegal sports car in SF Bay into the US.
He just thinks it would be neat to be president of two big thingies.
He's hot for Janet Reno.
His ego needs to be inflated.
He lost the key to his mansion, so he needs a new place to live.
He thinks that he can use MS Money to balance the budget.
He feels that Perot just didn't throw enough money at it.
He wants to make Windows '95 the official operating system of the USA.

Conversation between Bill Gates and his new house contractor:

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Bill Gates and his young wife wake up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "MicroSoft"

Sometimes I wonder if Bill Gates ever has sex, or if he's just satisfied screwing all PC users.

After the Hugh Grant incident with Divine made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked Hugh, "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million". So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.

In the morning Gates said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'divine'". She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company Microsoft."

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot?

Gates, twice to be sure.

What's the difference between Bill Gates and Robert Tappen Morris, Jr. (the Internet Worm Hacker)?

Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.

MS Lightbulbs

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 meter visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do. So okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see above) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.

Windows '95 supports Plug 'n' Pray peripherals!